Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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