I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
