I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
