I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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