if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
