I accidentally had phone sex last night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
