Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
