Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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