The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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