I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
