Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
