It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
