if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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