you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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