You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
