I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
