It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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