ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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