sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
