omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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