The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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