Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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