there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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