Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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