I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
