I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
