By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize