this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
