woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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