I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
