I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
