I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
