How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize