it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
