Sry I called you an 8
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
