Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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