you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
