Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
