So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
