my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
