Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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