im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
