I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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