Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
