I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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