I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
