My friends, they love my intelligence
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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