Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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