So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I fill condoms, not promises.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
