see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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