I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hippo gnu deer
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
