Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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