she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
