What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
