I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
