Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
