The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
