I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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