maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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