you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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