Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
