Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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