he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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