We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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