Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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