guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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