Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
