i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
