I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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